Silver Lining.

It scared me how much I could relate to the opening scene of Silver Linings Playbook. Being woken up at the psychiatric hospital, lining up to take your meds through the glass window, sitting in a circle for group therapy. Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper trading medicine stories. "I used to be on Seroquel. Klonopin, have you tried that?" Yep.  Been there, done that. Even recognized the peach pill Seroquel as Bradley Cooper's character took it. It was an exact duplicate my yaya gave to me not 20 minutes ago. Not the easiest thing for me to talk about, but I decided, in the words of goddess Taylor Alison Swift, it's time to Speak Now.

Part of me still can't believe that I've only been home for two months. That the three months of cognitive behavioral therapy, two weeks of being an inpatient at the Las Encinas Mental Health Facility, which resulted in spending months away from Manila, are over. Sometimes I wish it never happened. I'd been living a perfectly good life when anxiety took over my life and I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Sometimes I'm grateful for it. Other times I wanted to just cry my eyes out. Currently, I'm leaning towards the 3rd choice. 

When I first got back home, I got into a very public fight with my parents. While at a wedding reception, I found out that my dad had explained away my absence by saying I was university-hunting abroad. I got into a screaming match with my mom, yelling things like "You might be ashamed of me, but I'm proud. I'm proud of all the things I went through. I'm proud I got sick and recovered. I'd shout it to the world if I could. I don't care about the people who judge and whisper behind my back."

Of course, I later understood that they did that to protect me from those people out there who, unfortunately, are still very much close-minded and judge a book by its cover. You know, the type that when they find out you've got a mental disorder will scream bloody murder and point fingers while yelling "PSYCHO!"

But I don't take back what I said. I am proud of what I've been through. These past two years, I've experienced things I never thought I would. Before last year, I never, in my whole entire life, thought I'd be taking a razor to my wrist. I never thought I'd be in and out of Medical City for my senior year. I never thought I'd be one of those kids who had to suddenly jet off to the US for "personal reasons". For the record, no, I wasn't suddenly knocked up. It was a little thing called obsessive-compulsive disorder.

The one thing that irks me in this entire universe (aside from Twilight and the 50 Shades trilogy), is the fact that people seem to brush off OCD like it's a cute quirk. "Dude, I'm so OC because I have to keep my room neat." "Why are you so OC? We can drink from the same glass. Don't be laway-conscious." "I'm so OC, I swear!" No. No. And no. Having OCD doesn't necessarily mean you're a neatnik. Heck, my room is a certified pigsty. And it's not a cute quirk. It's a serious disorder that can leave you, in the words of my homeboy, Dr. Spencer Reid, "Afraid of your own mind." 

I don't know how to explain it, except, it's something that takes over you. These obsessions, compulsions, make you do things without you wanting to. And it doesn't leave you alone. You have to wash your hands, or else you've committed an unspeakable crime. You need to log out of your Facebook account, log back in, delete your latest post, then repost it again, because it wasn't right the first time; you sinned. The thoughts that keep you up at night are true, don't doubt it. You're attracted to your same-sex friend. No ifs or buts. You thought it, so it must be true.A really bad sin. It sounds illogical, but to the OCD-battered mind, it's correct. Even though we know it's not rational, we still feel we have to carry out whatever compulsions our mind thinks up. It's terrifying because when you're rock bottom, you don't know what's true or isn't anymore. "I HAVE TO WASH MY HANDS, DON'T YOU SEE? OR ELSE! JUST OR ELSE! WASHING WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE!" You don't know if this or that thought is the right one to follow. Saint or sinner? You want to try, just once, to not give in, but you're afraid of the consequences.

You're just so lost.

And it's not going to go away forever, I know that. There'll be times when it will come back, but right now I'm coping. And I'm strong. And I'm proud of myself for that. I beat it. I wanted my URL to encompass all the important things in my life: Dragons, for my love of Harry Potter, Disney, and all other fantastical things. Duchesses, for my love of royalty, new and old. And Disorders, for the battle that I won.

Finishing up with a quote from Silver Linings Playbook, and boy,  could I relate.

"There's always gonna be a part of me that's sloppy, and dirty, but I like that. With all the other parts of myself. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive?"